Monday, August 23, 2010

A Memory

It's been months, you've moved on - at first it was a hopeful quest, and then it became something you had to do for your sanity. You tell yourself, and honestly believe that it was for the best. This is how it was supposed to be. Some have even said you "dodged a bullet." You see him pop up on gchat every one and a while. And while it sometimes, still pulls at your heartstrings, you no longer feel what you used to - you no longer feel much at all. And again, you internally pat yourself on the back, thinking of how far you've come. How far the circle of it all has come - from intrigue, to juggling, to the realization to feelings, to slow heartache, to friendship? Or whatever it is that you are now at.

And you go on with your life. You go out with your friends, you have new crushes, get excited about new boys. You are very content, happy in your life. One night you have a lovely birthday dinner with a friend - mac& cheese and a couple glasses of sparkling white on a beautiful and a surprisingly cool night for this hellish summer. Maybe it's the nostalgia a rainy summer night can bring, or that its the same time of the year when you first begin that fun, crazy summer romance, once so carefree. Maybe its in the face of another budding romance that you remember the potential it all once had, but you stumble on a photo. Or a conversation. All those feelings, you long since swept under the rug, come rushing out.

You have the intense urge to talk to him, but know you cant. You know that whatever it was you shared all those months ago, is long since gone. You wonder what he is doing right now, but realize that will get you nowhere. With those that have come in between, there has not been anything close to what you didnt know you had, at the time. You're not comparing, just realize that was something special that wouldnt be as much, if it was so common. Though you sometime question it, you firmly believe everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, those reasons take longer to figure out, and sometimes you never really do. So, you suck it up, remembering the time you never though you'd get to where you are now. You're still surprised by your emotional flashback, but remember it's just that: a flashback. A memory.

"There was a midsummer restlessness abroad - early August with imprudent loves and impulsive crimes. With little more to expect from summer, one tried anxiously to live in the present- or, if there was no present, to invent one." - F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Last Tycoon