Untitled

Ah Valentine's Day. Today I started thinking about love. And all the different types of love that exist. There are so many.

There's the love between a parent and a child. This is a complicated love. It grows and changes over time — as most loves do. But unlike most loves, this is an undeniable bond. For the lucky, even if the bond seems like it's been broken forever, there is an unnamed force that brings mother and daughter, father and son, back together. This love starts at basic protection; morphs into an endless battle in the teenage years; and then one day is revealed to be one of the most necessary relationships. Your parents have been there...they know what they are talking about.

There's the love of a friend. This can also sometimes be a volatile relationship, but more often than not, any quarrel ends in laughter over a few glasses — or bottles — of wine. The love of a friend makes the good times amazing, and the hard times better. When you can't stop the tears from falling, the love of a good friend makes the "I can't go on" moments...live-able. You might talk every day, multiple times a day, or you might live plane rides away. But when you talk to that person, it's like no time, or distance, has passed.

Then there's the one who got away. He surprised you and slowly, secretly stole pieces of your heart, before you had a chance to reclaim them. It's memories that won't fade. The one who taught you to forgive. He showed you how to feel again through the darkness. You wake up and wonder, when did I lose the reason or the rhyme? It might be someone that held your heart for just a moment, or a lifelong lover. It's the one that, despite the heartache, makes you smile when you remember their laugh. Or their goofy grin. And as strange as it is, you hope nothing but the best for them. And eventually, after enough tears and time, you learn that it will let you go.

And then there's the "true love." This is love I know not of. It's the love you think you've found, but sometimes fades, or more than often, is ripped away. You'll know it the moment that you forget about the many breaks and mends in your heart (I hope). He'll take you by the hand and your fears will fade. It's the jumping around in the moonlit hallway after the door closes post first, second, sixth date....somehow keeps getting better. You feel fresh and new. It's hope. It's grace. It's right. I think it will be like all your favorite things — different for everybody but exactly fitting for you. Of all the old stories that have funny names, this is untitled.

Crazy as Me

Some nights, I just like to kick back, light a candle, listen to some mellow tunes on Pandora...and chill out. I do this a lot more during the winter since I like to hibernate when its cold outside. Sure, I'll enjoy an occasional snow - who doesn't like biting it on the way to work on black ice? But in general, on a cold winter night I'd rather be wrapped up in a blanket, next to a fire.

Lucky for me, I was able to do just that tonight. One of my other favorite things to do is discover new music that I like. Thank you Pandora! Case in point - tonight I discovered the song Crazy as Me by Alison Kraus. If you don't know the wonders of her music - check it out. She's a bit off the beaten path (down the lane to bluegrass a little), but that's what makes her unique. And, I love the lyrics:

Crazy As Me

I'm used to being alone

Except for six month flings with diamond rings

And phone bills that outweigh the phone

This is the life that I chose

I got no complaints if he is

If he ain't, and if he is I guess he'll send me a rose

Just don't ask me for the truth if you choose to lie honey

And don't try to open my door with your skeleton key

Some folks seem to think I only got one problem

I can't find nobody as crazy as me.

I still love what I know

I love to ride alone and sing a song and listen to the radio

You can ride along and if you change mind, well

That's just fine, but there's somethin' that you got to know

Just don't ask me for the truth if you choose to lie honey

And don't try to open my door with your skeleton key

Some folks seem to think I only got one problem

I can't find nobody as crazy as me.

:)

I Don't Care About Your Band

I'm not sure if it's that February is the month for lovers, or my recent dating demise, but for some reason this month, I have the urge to write about matters of the heart. I think when you are dealing with such issues, the only good way to do so is with a bit of humor. I mean, if we cant laugh it off, what is the point?

Last summer I read a hilarious book, on this particular subject: I Dont Care About Your Band - What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux Sensitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I've Dated by Julie Klausner. It's the true story of comedy writer Julie Klausner's rocky road to "romantic enlightenment." It's described as a book about the humiliations we endure to find love and the lessons that can be culled from the wreckage.

I think this book is what I hope portions of this blog to be - a comedic look into insights of dating the interesting, damaged and crazy characters out there. I'm far from a comedian, but she is ...funny. Check it out.

Some of my favorite quotes from this book:

• (Theory on guys vs. women): A man is hard to find, good or otherwise, but guys are everywhere now...Meanwhile, I know way more women than girls...The problem is that we ended up at the mercy of a generation of guys who don't quite seem to know what's expected of them, whether it's earning a double income or texting someone after she blows you. There are no more traditions or standards, and manners are like cleft chins or curly hair - they only run in some families....It seems like everybody is just confused.
• As long as I can remember, I've had to fight off urges to chase and conquer boys who seem blase. It's decidedly unladylike.
• When you're young, and you're habitually dating the damaged, and they don't come through, you have to make the conscious choice to separate the columns in your head that say "This is who i am" and This is how I am being treated." And then you have to figure out how to let go of somebody who's gone, not because your pacified in the realization that you're not liked, but because you figure out that maybe you're the one who doesn't like him. Not just how he acts, but who he is. And then you have to decide if you want to keep going out with guys you don't think are great, or if you like yourself enough to hang out for a while on your own.
• Being the only girl seems like an awful lot of attention, and I was used to feeling like I did backflips for the interest of the one attractive guy who came around every second solstice.
• That's a rule I made up that I think is a good one: If I'm iffy about being attracted to somebody right away, but he goes about pursuing me in a way I think is upstanding, I always give the guy a second chance. It's a way to be strict about your standards, but open-minded about your contenders. Men are way more likely to become more appealing to you over time than they are to magically grow manners.

There are some other funnier, raunchier quotes and insights in this book. But I'll leave that up to you to explore in due time. And one of these days I'll get back to my own writing. For now, though, I'm reflecting on thoughts from those far wiser than me.

Moment in February

I'm stealing this quote from one of my favorite blogs. Her blog is so refreshing and reminds me that each day...is a new day.

"There came a moment in February when the gray sky seemed to drop so low it brushed the top of one's hair, while the slush reached over the tops of shoes and the dry skins on one's face felt as if it were being stretched on a rack and cured for glove leather. Love itself seemed old and worn-out, like she shoes bleached white and brittle from the salt" - Jay McInerney, Brightness Falls

January is usually dreary, and February can follow suit. I don't want to rush time along, heaven's knows it slips by too fast already. But even on the sunniest and bright winter days, I can't help but long for spring...and new beginnings :)

Food Fight

Well...another one bites the dust. I was really hoping this person would not make my blog...but eventually the first date nerves lead to dropped food, butterflies before front door kisses inevitably end in a silent cell phone.

It all starts with hope, and a little trepidation. He's not exactly what you expected - soft-spoken, but with a little prodding, his silly side comes out. He's polite and attentive. He serves you a piece of pizza, but it slips off the plate and slides into your lap. He's embarrassed, you find it cute and you both laugh it off. You look around and see you're the only two still there, as someone sweeps up the pieces of food left by other evening diners. You can't contain your excitement after he drops you at the metro...leaving you with wonder, but hope at what might come.

Then you meet again. And again. You don't realize how much time is going by, as you sit in an empty bar and just talk for hours. It's chilly and you've forgot your gloves, so he lends you his. You brush his hand and hold in a squeel when he finally grabs your hand on the long walk home. He holds on a little tighter as you pass the homeless man, and you feel safe. It's hard to beat those first few new kisses. It's cold outside, but you feel nothing but warmth.

He's attentive, he's genuine, he's sweet. You get a good feeling. It's going fast, but it's going exactly how it should, you think. He opens up to you, you are both vulnerable. You thought you wouldn't get to this point again, but sure enough, here you are again. Yes, those old insecurities rear their ugly head, but you think, this one is different. And you try and trust it. You jump around like a 16-year old as soon as you're safely inside and he's walked to his car.

Then, as subtle as a shifting wind at first, you feel something is off. His pursuit has changed and you don't know how to react. No, that isn't your cell phone going off, and it wont. You try to change your perspective; protect yourself first. It's hard to let something with so much potential go for reasons beyond your control and beyond your understanding. As much as you want to know the reasons, eventually you just accept it. The reasons really aren't as important as the steps you need to take to let go of something that's no longer working.

The past month I got to know someone who I thought could potentially be something very special in my life. He ended up not being that in the end. And while I do have some "blog-worthy" material, and tend to deal with heartache with humor, this one was a bit different. He even said he was trying his best to not make my blog. But I guess fate had other ideas.

Don't despair dear readers. At some point I'm sure I'll be able to delve into the more humorous parts of our courtship. There certainly were blog-worthy moments. But for now, in an effort to make my time with him not a total wash, and in an effort to look at the positive, let me say that I got to spend a short time with someone who, I think deep down is a genuinely good person. For whatever reason, his interest in me waned. But January is always a pretty lame month in my opinion, so I got some fun and excitement out of it. And now, I know that the next (or eventual) guy, can only be that much better. And will also hopefully not throw food at me on our first date :)