Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The Bachelor: Rolls Part 1

It's been a while, and I realized there are still lots of great/entertaining moments from 2010 that I did not have a proper chance to dish about. The Bachelor, also just came back on the air, and in that spirit, I'd like to bring back my version of the Bachelorette: Re-tards of the Dating World. In this episode, Chris and a true crazy, Rolls, discuss the roller coaster, er should we say "slow dance" of this doomed relationship.

Chris: Rolls, what is your protocol after a first date typically?

Rolls: Ok, Chris. I know where you are going with this. I'm a writer. I like to EXPRESS (mimics Madonna hand motions) myself. We had an AMAZING first date. I mean, it truly was the best 40 dollars I had spent in years. And we...

Chris: Stop. I read this transcript. And let me stop you right here and tell you that if you had simply said that, that would have been enough.

Rolls: Oh hell, no it wasn't enough. Like I said, we got along like a freakin' house on fire, and she deserved to know that. I wanted to see her the next morning, but she said she was busy. And afternoon. And evening. And busy all weekend. I had to sneak my time in so I invited myself to her friend's house warming party. I only hoped that her friends wouldn't rain on the smoldering fire we had built.

Chris: And this was all expressed through text?

Rolls: My finest work to date.

Chris: Uh huh. But you two had a rocky situation, despite the flower-and-roses beginning.

Rolls: I mean I gave her MY ALL. I told her, you have to keep this thing going, so I'd constantly text her question. After question. After question. From the time she got to work, 'til the time she went to bed. And one night, the b-word didn't respond...immediately. I mean, what should she possibly have been doing besides talking to me? And i was all like i KNEW you would do this.

Chris: And this was how long into dating?

Rolls: Uh, post date-two....clearly on the road to engagement.

Chris: Right.

Rolls: So then I tried to take her out dancing, I tried everything, but she was always sooo busy. I mean HOW did she expect to get a boyfriend acting like that.

Chris: I believe the lady in question pre-warned you she'd be busy for a bit.

Rolls: BULL. Game players. I don't wanna be a player anymore.

Chris: Seriously, dude? She was moving, starting a new job...

Rolls: Not acceptable. I mean I showered her with attention day in and day out, asking her every aspect of her day, what was the favorite, least favorite, if she had fish, turkey or chicken for lunch and how many buttons were on her blouse and did she once, ever ask me "Oh hey Rolls....So what is your favorite holiday and why? How about favorite obscure random tv character...and why." NO. NOT ONCE.

Chris: Yeah, I could see that as coming off as uninterested??

Rolls: Totally. So I finally said, Yo...I am squashing this shit.

Chris: That's how you ended it?

Rolls: I made sure to also inform her that she was F*ing boring too.

Chris: Well, that's real mature of you.

Rolls: Weird, she told me the same thing.

Chris: And yes, audience, let me point out that this was not the end of this romantic disaster. For, a mere month later, Rolls came crawling back. But that's all the time - and craziness - we can take for one episode. More on Rolls part duex next time.