Monday, March 1, 2010

The Bachelor: ATM

It’s another Monday night (I'm lazy, late posting), which can only mean one thing—the Bachelor! And this isn’t just a regular ole-episode. This is the nail biting, sweat-inducing, fling-yourself-off-a-balcony-because-you-“love”-two-women-and-can’t-make-a-decision season finale. Although I’ve already heard the internet rumors that Vienna gets the rock, I still tuned in for the drama and heartbreak. And since this is the final rose ceremony, leading up to a marriage that odds are against, I bring you another episode of my own version of the Bachelor, the Bachelorette: Re-tards of the Dating World. This time Chris sits down for a one-on-one with a well-known fan favorite, ATM.

Chris: Some of our viewers are confused how you got your name, ‘splain please.

ATM: I cannot express my deep sorrow for how this name came about. After first meeting our bachelorette, I left her at “our” bar. Just left her there and ran away with another. I’ll never, ever forgive myself for that (starts crying).

Chris: C’mon man, don’t cry. We all got over that rather quickly. But just so our audience knows, there was a major miscommunication on how our fair bachelorette was to get home that evening. After she accepted your douchey-actions she realized, well better hit up the ATM, cabbin’ home alone tonight.

ATM: Exactly, and if nothing else, I am a southern gentleman. I offered to give her money to get a cab. (Sob.) I am such an idiottttt.

Chris: Shut it dude. Anyways, our bachelorette was mildley annoyed, to say the least. She was so distracted that she was unable to withdrawl money out of the ATM due to your incessant bugging, after deciding to strand her. But I see that you guys moved past that. How’d you do that?

ATM: I continued to pursue her persistently. I maintained constant vigil at her place of work, looking to pounce when she entered. Consistency and constancy were my motto. I would not take no for an answer. It only took 5 months of non-stop texting and phone calls to persuade her. The day she said yes, oh the joy I felt!

Chris: Persistence and stalking are fine lines, ATM. But, she did finally crumble, there was a method to your madness.

ATM: So we had our magical first date, and it was ah-mazing. I had dreamt of that day for months. Champagne, sports, food, drinks, the works.

Chris: Bribing with alcohol, that’s the way to win their hearts.

ATM: Oh no, no bribing involved. Pure, unleashed romance.

Chris: Unleashed romance, eh? Not sure both parties would quite describe it this way, but then your fairytale beginning came to a crashing end. How did that make you feel?

ATM: I’m not sure what happened. (Shaking his head). Where, oh where, did I go wrong? Her friends loved me, and I them. She's my soulmate. 

Chris: Well, sometimes, poor ATM, it’s just not “there” for some people. You win some you lose some, better luck next time, 'naw what I’m saying?

ATM: But it was there for me!! I could just see our future together… (gazes absent-mindedly out into space with a grin on his face).

Chris: Yes, you made that very clear when you announced your desire for marriage and babies “one day.” Just a guess: that may have possibly pushed her over the edge. Requesting another date may have been a bit more appropriate—given her aforementioned hesitations and normal patterns of human dating—before ya know, discussing the forever and always.

ATM: (Sighs). All is fair in love and war, I suppose. But, fate will have it’s way, I am sure of it! I shall not accept defeat.

Chris: Oh ATM, your never-ending, unrealistic fairy-tale romantic/obsessed notions bring us all hope. Now, go join E-harmony and find yourself your a bride!

ATM: LOVE WILL CONQUER ALLLLLLL!!!!! (grabs bachelorette's photo and runs for the door)

Chris: Aaand, that’s a wrap.

No comments:

Post a Comment