Dear Jeremy Renner,
You have not met me yet, nor have I seen your Oscar-worthy performance in The Hurt Locker, but I am very dissapointed that you failed to invite me as your date to the Oscars this weekend. You, a relatively unknown actor until now, first caught my fancy in the thriller S.W.A.T. I realize your hottness paled in comparison to Colin Ferrell's during that movie (also, because you were playing a scumbag), but I still took notice.
Even your doppelgänger Banarama, whom I briefly dated, didn't know who you were (scarily, you are also the same age....hmmm? Twins?). I remember explaning on the first date that "from the side you look exactly like the cop-gone-bad in S.W.A.T." Banarama unfortunately didnt know who you were, and I, unforunately, didnt know your name. This quickly changed as I gradually learned that Banarama would never go anywhere with me that involved meeting other humans in public, let alone friends. So as hard as I tried to recount stories about this man who, shaved both arms/legs, didnt like to eat food and who wouldnt use the bathroom during our dates (which exceeded the 6 hour mark), I needed my friends to put a face to the name, lest they began to think he was an alien, which some did in fact, conclude. That being said, I exposed you to my friends and coworkers. You were the face to the legend of Banarama, and also just a beautiful face in and of itself. Your existance is now known to countless more individuals (or young female professionals) because of me (and Banarama).
Therefore, as a cataylist to your increased fame and fanbase (in the metro-DC area, at least), I think a simple invite to the Oscars would have been appropriate. Maybe you were rendered temporarily insane by your recent run-in with Jessica Simpson, but I think we all know you just got her number because you are a gentelman (and, I pray, not crazy). I lieu of myself, I think you brought the second best date—your mother. She deserves an Oscar herself for producing such a good-looking, talented young man. Good genes all around here, me thinks. Urban dictionary thinks so too...Jeremy:
"A named based on the biblical name Jeremiah. Used as a name for children who are blessed with a large brain and/or penis. Also used as a replacement for 'perfect'; " 4 buckets of pure awesome rolled up into a tasty bite sized homunculus. Looks good in drag. When he opens his mouth, pure clever spews out and penetrates all those who dare oppose him. He is the master of the universe;" "One sexy hunk of man."
Four buckets of pure, bit-sized awesome? Jer, I guess I can overlook this little slip-up: I am still very open and acceptable to any courtship advances you'd like to pull on me. Just remember, I've been here since the beginning, and when I say beginning I mean all the way back to summer of '09 when I realized my date looked exactly like you from the side and I googled SWAT to see what your name was. I assume this is how all fandoms/romances/obsessions begin. Anyways, dear Jeremy, I look forward to being in your hurt locker, you sexy hunk of a man.