As I sit here, watching The Bachelor: The Women Tell All Episode, I can’t help but wonder what the room would look like if all the guys I’ve dated were thrown in there, reminiscing about their experiences with me. Let’s be clear here—I haven’t had the most successful dating life. After a long-term relationship that ended pretty badly, I’ve had to endure the dating scene of D.C., which has been interesting, to say the least. There have been all types, with “weird/awkward” probably being the common thread (I don’t really fall completely out of this definition either). But between the wanna-be-poet who told me about writing a memoir of his grandfather's sexual escapades (on a first date, didnt feel the need for a second) and the man with the unnatural obsession with cooking oils, I've met a few odd birds in my day. Let’s imagine Chris Harrison interviewing some of these fellows. We’ll begin with a unique, sarcastic whip who shall be known as Bananarama
Chris: How did you and our fair lady [I’m the fair lady] meet?
Bananarama: Check it. My boy was in town and although we may be in our mid-to-upper 30s, we decided, bro, gotta hit up Adams Mo. First, I had to be sure to spike my hair and throw on my fave Ed Hardy. Ditch this corporate lawyer shit. So, we’re out, chillen, hitting up that hot spot Fish Bowl when I see her walk in.
Chris: I see, so you made your smooth move and were able to have some quality get-to-know-you time at the bar?
Bananarama: Oh yeah dude. I mean it was probably quarter after 1 when I made the move, had already thrown back a few jack and cokes. I threw out my usual “Yo, girl you are so gorgeous!”
Chris: And that did it for you? She didn’t roll her eyes and as soon as she saw you approaching and thought to herself “Please, dear god, don’t let this loser in a too-tight-tshirt come talk to me, my friend dragged me out here tonight and I’m just not in the moood”.
Bananarama: Nah man, not at all. Then I turned on my lawyer charm and made some semi-intelligent statements.
Chris: That probably caught her off guard. Considering the outfit and all.
Bananarama: Yeah, and then it got better when her friend left her stranded there. Ideally, I like to get the youngins’ alone and vulnerable so they will have no choice but to give me their numbers. When she realized she lost her friends, I knew it was a green flag.
Chris: Alright, so you get her number and then help her find her friends and part ways?
Bananarama: C’mon Chris. Don’t you know how to play the game? I put her in my phone under my future fiancé. Flash a few photos of my "nieces" and lay it on thick. Girls totally dig this, and don't find it forward or weird at all. Then, knowing full well that the bar is closed and won’t let us back in, I tell her we should go outside and look for her friends.
Bananarama: Exactly! (Big smile spreads across his face.) But damnit, if she didn’t end up finding her friends. I told her to come with me to find my “friend” at McDonalds (aka my apartment) but she stuck with her posse.
Chris: McDonalds was your first mistake. Nobody can resist Jumbo Slice. But I digress. What happened next?
Bananarama: Well, of course I gave her a goodnight kiss- figured I’d give it one more shot. I had to try something after the odd expression she gave me after I told her my age. I think the gelled hair really knocks about 4.5 years off my age.
Chris: Hmm, yes. I’d agree she was a bit taken aback by your age. But who are we to judge? Creep on my friend. According to our cameras though, it appears she gave you what we like to call the “side-cheek” when you went in for that kiss?
Bananarama: She was just temporarily blinded by my sweet metallic shirt. It happens sometimes. I forgave her though.
Chris: So thoughtful of you. Well, time for a commercial break. When we return to The Bachelorette: Re-tards of the Dating World, we’ll get more into Bananarama’s first official date.
(In case you are interested, this shirt is called "Deeper Shades of Soul king Centaur Skull Fleur Gold Men's Short Sleeve Polo Shirt in Tan." Oddly, this describes Bananarama to a T.)